Monday, April 10, 2017

Final Post

So, the end.

I’ve kept this blog as a record of the last ten years.

I started writing posts here to make sense of the initial experience of grief: memorials, poems, photos, fragments, memories, the occasional call for a shared moment, other and more memorials.

What continued after that first year or so of writing was a record of what grief, and more and more often, guilt, felt like. Feels like. And, surprisingly, wonderfully, even undeservedly, happiness.

One thing I never wanted, which continues to feel deeply offensive and entirely wrong, was to make some crude suggestion of cause and effect. Things do happen in a certain order. But Katie did not die so that I could have a life I love now. I do not have a life I love now because Katie died.

For a while, I have felt my foot dragging a little when I think about writing new posts here. More than anything, that feels like a sign. This is an important year, ten years since Katie died, thirteen years since we got married. There can only be so many distinctions, and so much looking back at our life, fixed in place very powerfully to her favorite songs, books, movies, and places, my memories of our life together, before I run out of things to say, or worse, begin to repeat myself.

So I’ll stop posting here. Thank you so much for reading my posts. At times, it has felt like a lifeline to know that what I was writing here was being read.

I do think that I got louder after Katie died. At least, I hope that is the case. Life is very short, whatever shape it makes.

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